What to Say to Someone Before Surgery: Tips for Offering Support

Before approaching someone, it’s essential to recognize the diverse emotional states they might be experiencing. These can include:

• Anxiety and Fear: Concerns about pain, the unknown outcome, anesthesia, recovery time, or potential complications are common. Studies consistently show that pre-operative anxiety is prevalent, affecting 60-80% of surgical patients to varying degrees.
• Vulnerability: The loss of control often associated with medical procedures can lead to feelings of helplessness. They are entrusting their body to medical professionals.
• Practical Worries: Beyond the medical aspects, individuals might be concerned about work, childcare, finances, or disruptions to their daily routine during recovery.
• Hope and Optimism: For some, surgery represents a positive step towards improving health, alleviating pain, or resolving a long-standing issue. They might be focused on the benefits.
• Fatigue and Burden: Dealing with appointments, tests, and the weight of the upcoming event can be exhausting.

Recognizing this spectrum allows for a more tailored and effective approach to offering support. Avoid assuming you know how they feel; instead, create space for them to express themselves.

Before specific words, consider the profound impact of your presence. Often, the most comforting thing you can do is simply be there, whether physically, virtually, or through consistent check-ins.

• Physical Presence (if appropriate): Being with them for a pre-op appointment, driving them to the hospital, or just sitting quietly can offer tangible comfort. Offer to be their “plus one” in waiting rooms.
• Active Listening: This is paramount. Instead of immediately offering advice, listen intently to their concerns, fears, or even their attempts to joke away the stress. Let them speak without interruption. Often, they just need to vent or process aloud.
• Non-Verbal Cues: A gentle hand on their arm, a comforting hug (if appropriate and welcomed), or just maintaining eye contact can convey more empathy than words alone.

The goal of your communication should be to validate their feelings, offer reassurance, and empower them.

1. Acknowledging Their Experience (Without Minimizing)

• “This must be a really challenging time for you. How are you feeling about everything?” (Open-ended and validates complexity.)
• “It’s completely normal to feel nervous/anxious/scared about something like this.” (Normalizes their feelings, reducing potential guilt or shame.)
• “I can only imagine how much you’ve been carrying with all of this.” (Shows empathy without claiming to fully understand.)

2. Offering Practical Support (Be Specific)

Vague offers like “Let me know if you need anything” often go unanswered. Be specific and proactive.

• “Can I bring you a meal tonight, or pick up your groceries?” (Offers a tangible, immediate relief.)
• “I’d love to help with [specific task, e.g., walking the dog, childcare, picking up prescriptions]. What day this week works best?” (Shows initiative and planning.)
• “Would it be helpful if I came over to just sit with you for a bit, or helped you organize anything before you go?” (Offers companionship or practical help, depending on their need.)
• “I’m happy to drive you to the hospital/pick you up after. Just let me know the time.” (Removes a logistical burden.)

3. Expressing Reassurance and Confidence

Focus on elements within their control or the competence of their medical team.

• “You’re in excellent hands with [Doctor’s Name/Hospital].” (If you know this to be true and from reliable sources, offering specific confidence.)
• “I know you’ve done your research and prepared well.” (Empowers them by acknowledging their active role.)
• “You are strong and resilient, and you’ll get through this.” (Focuses on their inner strength.)
• “We’re all here rooting for you and sending you positive thoughts.” (Reinforces a support network.)

4. Focusing on Post-Surgery Recovery (Positive Outlook)

Shift the focus slightly to the “after,” offering hope and future planning.

• “We’ll be so glad when this is behind you and you’re on the mend.”
• “Once you’re home, what can I do to make your recovery more comfortable?” (Allows them to think about future needs.)
• “I’m looking forward to [doing a desired activity] with you once you’re feeling up to it.” (Offers a positive future outlook.)

5. Simple, Profound Messages

Sometimes, less is more.

• “Thinking of you.”
• “I care about you.”
• “I’m here for you.”
• “Wishing you a smooth procedure and a swift recovery.”

Just as important as what to say is understanding what to avoid. These phrases, often well-intentioned, can inadvertently minimize feelings, induce guilt, or create more anxiety.

1. Minimizing or Dismissing Their Feelings

• “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” (Dismisses valid concerns; you cannot guarantee an outcome.)
• “It’s just a routine procedure.” (While true for medical staff, it’s not “routine” for the patient.)
• “Think positive thoughts.” (While positive thinking can help, forcing it can invalidate feelings of fear or anxiety.)
• “Snap out of it.” or “You need to be strong.” (Places an undue burden on them.)

2. Sharing Horror Stories or Unsolicited Medical Advice

• “My aunt had that surgery, and she had [terrible complication].” (Increases anxiety exponentially.)
• “You should really have tried [alternative treatment] first.” (Introduces doubt and potential guilt about their chosen path.)
• “Are you sure you picked the right doctor/hospital?” (Undermines their confidence in their medical team.)

3. Focusing on Your Own Anxiety or Demands

• “I’m so worried about you.” (While true, this can add to their burden by making them feel responsible for your emotions.)
• “Call me immediately when you wake up.” (Creates pressure during a sensitive time; allow hospital staff to communicate first if possible.)
• “If you don’t hear from me, assume everything is fine.” (Implies a lack of concrete support.)

4. Overly Religious or Spiritual Statements (Unless Known Preference)

• “God has a plan.” (While comforting to some, others may find this unhelpful or incongruous with their personal beliefs during a crisis.)
• “Pray about it.” (Again, if not their expressed preference, this can be alienating.)

5. Prying for Details They Might Not Want to Share

• “So, what exactly are they doing to you?” (Unless they offer the information, respect their privacy regarding medical specifics.)

Support doesn’t end after the pre-surgery conversation. On the day of the surgery:

• Send a brief, positive message: “Thinking of you today, wishing you peace and a smooth procedure. Will be waiting for news.”
• Respect their communication preferences: Some may want calls or texts immediately; others prefer quiet time. Find out beforehand if possible.
• Offer continued practical help during recovery: The period after surgery can be equally challenging. Continue offering specific help (meals, errands, company) during their recuperation.

Navigating the pre-surgery period with a loved one requires a blend of empathy, active listening, and practical assistance. By choosing your words carefully and focusing on validating their feelings, offering tangible support, and projecting calm reassurance, you can be a vital source of comfort and strength during a time of significant vulnerability. Your presence and thoughtful communication can make a profound difference in their surgical journey and recovery.